Argh

a few describe it as the worst human sentiment
it blinds people to facts
everything around seems wrong
friends become enemies
family becomes a prison
the mind closes to all possibilities
language turns sour
existence seems unbearable
one rants to the other
while the other bears it not knowing where to go
if it reaches an obscene level the rants pass on
and on
and on
and consumes everyone
bitterness fills the veins and flows to every part
every organ emanates negativity
the head hurts with the bad blood
hunger disappears
the body becomes stiff
almost brittle
on the verge of breaking and shattering into several pieces
its wrong to term it anger
its a gamut of emotions
hatred
unhappiness
it turns the human into a vicious being
uncontrollable
a being that one dreads
but one that unconsciously resides in every soul
waiting to break out
and devastate everything
till all that is left is guilt
and a lot of hurt people

these are things that everyone knows but then this is my rant.

..

Darkness pervades all corners around

Mist shadows the foliage beneath

Emerges from it a sense of purity

The birth of dew stings the nose

A freshness never smelt before

A ray emerges

Setting a low fire to the black sky

Spreading its warmth and radiance

The mist ages off

The dew washes away the remnants of yesterday

A new day begins

Contours change.

Colours change.

Facets change.

What remains is the black shadow.

Black as ever.

Sharp as ever.

Haunting.

Powerful.

Defining.

Me.

Eh+Blah+Huh= Life

its been a while since i wrote something and i fear i've forgotten how to. these past few months have been maddening in a lot of ways. i was standing at crossroads every few days making decisions that would change my future. it hasn't been all pleasant. well, it never is. there are times when you feel that you should have taken the other road or rather gone to a totally different country and tried new roads! i have also learnt that all roads aren't smooth. they all have there own manholes and bumps at differing frequencies. it all depends on when you encounter them. profound point being don't be jealous of the other for happy times await you and well there are manholes awaiting the rest. :) [apologies to the 'rest'- no offense meant]
new places always thrill me. this one did too and still amuses me with its randomness. its full of people with opinions- some i agree with and some that i condemn altogether. it is full of people professing large things when small things need attention. its full of people who are so sure of themselves that at times it leaves you intimidated. its full of people wanting to achieve greater heights. (i fear falling hence, i shall not even attempt such dangerous desires)
now that i don't know what to write i'm going to religiously cut copy and paste the lyrics of the song i'm listening to. it actually states my condition well.

Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

A paradise untouched by man
Within this world blessed with love
A simple life, they live in peace

Softly tread the sand below your feet now
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see

Beneath the shelter of the trees
Only love can enter here
A simple life, they live in peace

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you
Build high the walls
Build strong the beams
A new life is waiting
But dangers no stranger here

No words describe a mothers tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where theres hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see



disclaimer: this post is a result of caffeine+insomnia+work

"God created dinosaurs.
God destroyed dinosaurs.
God created man.
Man destroyed God.
Man created dinosaurs."

- Jeff Goldblum in the Jurrasic Park

The Time of My Life.

Black out

(Slow) Fade in

The warmth of the light brightens your face before a packed hall

The air in your lungs gets caught and refuses to burst out

The simultaneous intake of breath (in alarm) of the audience sends a chill down your spine

Eyes closed- you slowly exhale the first word

Your voice fills the air

Its what they all breathe

You provide it

Eyes re-open to see an ocean of black

A black that rejuvenates you

You walk across the stage and feel the world at your feet

The moment that you'd been waiting for for months is before you

The next few hours pass like seconds for its a time you control

A time that people will remember for you, as you and because of you

You turn deaf all of a sudden

For the applause fills the air

It sweetens the air you inhale

Standing in the centre you feel a void

The ocean before you recedes

The hall is empty again

Awaiting another you

Another time

Another word

Another applause

Black out

Proceed at own peril

i've been meaning to write for a long time but then i was in one of those lazy-bleh-aahh moods. i figured that rather than writing a post of my own i started writing blog-post length comments on other's. heights, i say!

these holidays have seemed longer than they ought to be. it is now that i realise the need for a routine in life. having a purpose can make the days seem short. recently, i also figured that i've become extremely critical. i guess its a result of idleness. though i have appreciated what people are doing and have done i seem to be waiting to find faults. not like i'm faultless. the Freudian interpretation would be that i'm using a defence mechanism to shield myself. an escapist! not exactly what i'd like to call my self.

contemplating has been one of my major preoccupations. its been a month since i visited the dargah in ajmer. the trip was courtesy a relative who'd been wanting to go there and dorn a carpet. well, since we were anyway going there we decided to go to pushkar too. it was amazing to see the differences and the similarities between the two religions that have always professed to be entirely different from each other.

the dargah was packed with pilgrims. squeezing in through the door way, touching the holy carpet and squeezing out was an experience in itself. one could see people from all social, cultural and economic backgrounds under one roof. one could hear the echos of the diversity in language our country boasts about. similar to hindu mythology islam too proclaims the achievement of moksha- i.e an abode to heaven through charity and goodness. like hinduism it believes in feeding the poor and down-trodden. the pradakshina path is present in both but the difference lies in the direction one takes. though i've mentioned only a fraction of the things that were similar one can only visit the two places to sense it in full measure. writing about it makes me feel like a fraud intellectual trying to trivialise the whole concept of religion which is one of the most controversial and essential institutions in our country.

pushkar was a more silent affair. i guess thats because we went there when the sun was just above our heads. jumping over the hot marble we reached the shrine that's been built for brahma. the only shrine in the world dedicated to the creator. apparently for some yagna he was expected to sit with his wife. saraswati's unavailability forced him to marry a woman from the district where the yagna was taking place. since the woman was from a lower caste she was purified by a cow and christened gayatri. saraswati was furious at this breach of trust and left in anger cursing brahma that no temple other than this would be built and that even in the built temple no worship would be conducted. the temple had a small window through which one could see the top of a mountain where a small temple for a saraswati has been built. she is beleived to have resided there and abandoned brahma. hindu mythology never fails to amuse one. there are infinite stories about gods and goddesses. what disappointed me about the place was its maintenance. the water level was lower than ever before and dirt in it was more than ever before.

though i walked on the turf of two of the most conflicting religions my feet burnt where the sun shone on the ground and felt the cool and damn earth where the trees provided shade- equally.

i apologise to the readers of this post. its probably the most ill-defined one. i think the heat's getting on my nerves.

My endless obsession with questions.

Where is home?

There where the mind is at peace
or the heart beats at ease?

Where you dream freely and fearlessly
or enact them out with painless compassion?

Where you are questioned
or allowed to questioned all that is around?

Where the wind blows like a fierce storm
or breezes past with pleasant memories?

Where the rain pelts like stone
or dances to celebrate you?

Where the trees haunt and scare
or smile and embrace in their shade?

Where one's echo seems like another's
or answers one's deepest queries?

Where the sea rises to destroy
or tickles ones' feet and washes away all sorrows and disappointments?

Where the sun blazes overhead
or soothes one with eternal warmth?

In search of such a home we wander.

Aimless

Hopeful

Little realising that it might be where one is and not where one fantasises one to be.

The process of making the existing place home, is called life.

29 C

Yesterday, while i was on my way to WCC in an attempt to set my future groundings i found that the girl sitting next to me on the bus was holding a form for Stella. my heart skipped a beat for reasons unknown.

should i ask her which course she's applied for?

should i tell her who her teachers are going to be?

should i tell her who her seniors are going to be?

should i tell her about the ice lollies?

should i tell her who her union members are going to be?

should i tell her about the butt slapping sister H2?
or the fire breathing sister H1?
or or the feeling up of sister C?

should i tell her who to go to in case of an attendance problem?

should i tell her about the watchmen and the ID card song?

should i tell her which clubs are active and fun and which aren't?

should i tell her what to eat and what not to eat at the canteen?

should i tell her about the mutant kakas and how to dodge them?

should i tell her about the secret passages to various rooms?

should i tell her about the oats?

should i tell her that she'd be addressed as a bouquet of flowers on her first day in college?

should i tell her about the third comps and assignments?

should i tell her about freshers day, inter-years, aquilae...?

should i tell her about CR?

should i tell her about P!!!????

should i tell her what she's in for for the next three glorious years of her life?

well this is what i did- i sat listening to "bitter-sweet symphony, that's life" with a grin on my face.

let her Stella years reveal themselves to her.

29C is going to show me the new faces of Stella, faces that will leave their mark after three years. may these faces bother the ones that bothered us, i bless them!

The Death of a Bubble

Sometimes things that you dream about finally happen, and when they happen you feel a strange satisfaction- a bliss that cannot be worded. Thanks to Mrina, we finally had a trip to Yercaud. Though there were less than half of the people who had initially signed up for it enthusiastically (frauds!) we had one of the best times of our life.

The train was at 11:20, but Mrina, Radhoo and I were at the station at 10:30 sharp. :) I'm sure our grandmothers would have been most happy about our timing. Anyway, we dragged our luggage to the platform and sat on amazingly dusty benches, waiting for the rest of the janta to arrive.Unfortunately we had seats in different places on the train. The fan conveniently didn’t work and we had a woman next to us who slept with a blanket in the sultry heat and shut the window as soon as the train started moving (after an hour’s wait that is!). Insane!

Come morning, after a rickety ride, and we find that the train is even more delayed. The train domesticated at night for an hour! For what joy, I’m yet to find out. The blaring sun creeped in through the windows and tanned us. Sweating, fuming, sweating we reached Salem Town at 8:15. But, where is the Tavera???? Hmmm, apparently he was ten minutes away when he finally turned up at around 9:00.

TWENTY hair pin bends to Yercaud. Clove, thou shall be my best friend! The journey to the hill top was one of the most scenic road trips I’ve ever been on. Green Green green. Then some more Green with patches of red and white. The air was fragrant like never before. We were on our way to heaven.

Star Hotels Inc- a bright orange and bright yellow building awaited our arrival. What a disappointment! The rooms weren’t that bad but there was a certain someone whom we all wanted to KILL by the end of our stay. “Swimming pool especially for women!” What nonsense! The pool was an abysmally small depression in the ground that was visible to all (so much for a pool for women!). Water? Well, in Yercaud people apparently swim in waterless pools that have a layer of black filth sticking to their surfaces. Among other amenities was the Jolly Park. We probably had our most fun morning there. Swinging on the swing and see-sawing. (Bounce! Bounce! ) We felt like hyper 3 year olds. Who’s complaining! :P

Lunch was at a gorgeously English place- Lake Forest Hotel. Wooden tables, long stain glassed windows with trees all around us. Oh and there were really old English songs being played. What more could one ask for. :] after lunch, we tried asking the managers if they could house us for a day, but to our dismay they were booked for the entire weekend. We gallivanted looking for another accommodation. Operation- unsuccessful. We were stuck with Star hotel with cockroaches, frequent power cuts and NO SWIMMING POOL. (Emphasis on swimming pool is for Nandini who was most affected by it.)

Move on! We left for shevaroy temple, from where we took a slightly long detour to land up at our own point from where one could see the valley at its best with beautiful hills at the background for the most picturesque sight. Unfortunately only Anjana, Nandini and I made it to the spot. We sat their gazing at the unbelievably vast beauty for one and a half hours. The sight is still engraved in my memory. One could see the shadows of the clouds on the forest parting and merging- the green changing from a darker shade to a soothing yellow under the play of sunlight. Listening to music made the place prettier. The song echoed through the distant mountains. I didn’t need the I-pod anymore. I was in another world, a world I’m definitely going to miss.

The temple was in a cave unbelievably cooler than the vicinity. Two hundred and fifty years old, the local deity was dressed in a beautiful gown. There was an indescribable peace in there. Silence never seemed more pleasing.

Post temple visit we went to the lake for a boat ride. The boat ride was followed by an eating spree- peanuts and candy floss. Bubbles never fail to fascinate. We bought three bottles of soap solution and bubbled our way to the cottage to see SIVAJI for the umpteenth time. :P But before we could even see half an hour of the movie, the DVD player crashed! (Another reason to kill that someone.) Grrrrr.

Stomachs grumbled and dinner beckoned. Hotel Grand Palace, here we come! This was the most hilarious dinner encounter. If I don’t write it in a dialogue form, it would be unjust. Here goes:

Waiter: Madam, what kind of water would you like?

Lakshmi: Regular water room temperature.

Waiter: Ok, Madam.

Returns after a minute.

Waiter: Madam, would you like warm water or cold water?

Lakshmi: I said we’d like regular water ROOM temperature.

Waiter: Ok, madam.

Returns again.

Waiter: Madam, would you like mineral water?

Lakshmi: I SAID WE’D LIKE REGULAR WATER ROOM TEMPERATURE!

Waiter: yes, madam.

The MUCH-AWAITED water arrived. What a start! Food wasn’t bad. The only regret was that the caramel custard Lakshmi and Radhoo had been craving for since afternoon (since Lake Forest was not serving it) was unavailable here as well. Sigh, Yercaud seemed to have run out of Caramel Custard.

Day 2- had more adventure on the cards. It was a lazy start at ten in the morning. We went straight for lunch to Henrietta (Lake Forest) -yummy buffet with a slight mishap with the pulao. Nithya got to eat her vaithakozamb rice :] with stomachs bloated no one had the energy to site see in the heat. Destination- cottage no. 6 and Sivaji. I’ve never enjoyed the movie, but this time it was different. I understood the jokes and laughed at the appropriate moments. We rewound (or in Anjana’s words- back forwarded) scenes that made us topple. (e.g.- kaun hai? Boss hai da kennai!)

After the movie, the six of us (except Anjana) went for cycling. While I sat in the car, these exploratory girls were back in fifteen minutes complaining of leg pains! :D The rigorous exercise now called for some rejuvenation- key= molgai bhajjis+ cauliflower bhajjis+spicy chutney. Then we went to another temple and discovered yet another scenic spot. We sat and yapped and yapped and yapped. Monfort School was next-a beautiful school where we tried entering fraudulently by making claims of being ex-students. Sigh! We settled for snaps around the place. Dinner was a light affair. We decided to experiment with our Star Hotel kitchen which we’d been avoiding conveniently. Not bad at all. The dessert was the best. Mrina, Nithya and Nandini surprised Lakshmi and Radhoo by getting their craving- Caramel Custard-our belated birthday present to them. We wanted to end the day by watching a scary movie. But then the DVD player was snatched from us for ten minutes (now we shall redefine ten minutes. The player was taken from us at around 8:30 and it was returned at 12:00). During the period of wait we were glued to Splitsvilla, which I must say can be addictive. It was amusing to see how stupid people can be. :P No offence to Splitsvilla fans.

Nandini was bent upon seeing the horror movie. She sat up with Mrina and Radhoo while the rest of us snored. They watched 3/4^th of it and abandoned it for they saw no ghost at all.

Day 3- Wake up! Get out of the bathroom! Hurry! We have to leave by six thirty! On our way to Salem we reheard our favourite songs of the trip- where’s the party tonight (silambattam) and daddy mummy. I can’t believe it still rings in my head! Breakfast was a happy affair at a place called sangeetha. We reached the station way in advance. The bubble solution saved the day. We bubbled out time out. We filled the station with bubbles of all sizes amusing people around us and sang old old English songs. Joy!

The train was late again. We got into the jam packed chair car naive of the adventure that awaited us. We were accompanied by a monstrous family that ate at regular intervals of ten minutes spilling half of the things. By the end of the journey the train floor was strewn with tamarind rice, lemon rice and curd rice along with some fanta and coffee. A treat for the cockroaches. The sight of Chennai Central had never enthralled us more. The joy of getting out of the train cannot be explained. :] home sweet home!

The entire trip was like a bubble- beautiful and short lived. Like Radhoo worded- the death of a bubble. A death not to be mourned but to be rejoiced for life.

The Penguin Lunch

If the play got postponed by two weeks, the penguin lunch followed the same fate and got postponed by a week. But today it HAPPENED! And here's an overview of the most fun lunch ever.

The tallest penguin informs everyone to be at the reception at one o clock. But, one of the penguins sits at the canteen and socialises while we wait! "What does she think of herself", says the tall one! Within a few minutes all four penguins congregate and leave for their battle ground. Venue changed to meet conveniences that cannot be disclosed publically. Theatre gods bless us as we see one our play comrade going in an ac car towards Casa Picolla- our battle ground! We get a lift to our destination.

Enter battle ground- we seat ourselves near a pillar. The tallest penguin and the penguin with wacky ideas sit together on one side and the youngest and the worried one (i dislike the incriminating title given but for convenience of comprehension sake I'm left with no choice) on the other.

The menu card arrives- we rip it open. Since it was my first visit to this place it took me some time to find the names of the dishes the connoisseurs were throwing around. While doing so we swerve away from the intention and start blabbering about other equally important issues of life. D eyes around to see familiar faces.

The waiter comes and listens to our incomprehensible chorus of names of dishes. We give up on his inability to understand us and ask him to come later.

D- "Can I have some water please?"- she looks around with eager eyes.

T laughs out loud at the very thought that she'll get high on chocolate. D adds cheese as another stimulant. C and I look at each other in dismay! Are we the only sane ones in this world?

Well, we finally decide on what we want and order the menu while T keeps going he he he eh. Now it begins to worry us all. :S Can the thought of marble cake drive someone so mad? Meanwhile, we figure out we're not having enough fun- hence, we start singing Captain Planet followed by the Powerpuff Girl's title track. The neighbouring table had a little girl sitting completely shell shocked at the madness of a bunch of college-going girls who are expected to maintain a certain decorum in public places.

(D- Can I have some water please?)

T explains to the mother that its a post-play production team lunch. Its self-explanatory now, isn't it? :)

The lunch arrives- hog hog hog hog hog. Yum Yum Yum Yum.

(D- Can I have some water please?)

T couldn't hold it now. She had had enough of a wait for the dessert. Pounce! The marble cake arrives and is finished within minutes. For my sake, the chocolate syrup came separately. Not like it helped cause it was accidentally kept next to T who for a moment thought it was H2O!

Stomachs full, sitting like balloons- D- Lets run on the Beach!

T,C,M- What????

It took a while to convince D that a run on the beach at 2:30 in the afternoon was certainly not a penguiny thing to do. Then came the Penguin Snap- which took us longer than eating food cause we had to face problems like-

1. Where can we click it?

2. OOhhh this shop is so pretty! (C- Concentrate on snap location, will you!)

3. Can we trust this watchman with the camera?

4. Is he drunk?

5. Who will click the snap?

6. Not the stairs!

7. How do we all fit in?

8. Fine, the stairs, but do we sit or stand?

Result- We stand randomly in between the passage, say cheese and C clicks a snap- it comes out beautifully. :)

This was probably the most random lunch possible, but then aren't all the penguins random in their own sweet ways? An afternoon i shall cherish for life.

Joyee.

P.S- other things that happened at the lunch that couldn't be incorporated:

1. My obsession with cleaning the table

2. T licking chocolate from everywhere possible

3. D- Salt comes from a spicy place

Pepper comes from a salty place (her remarkable comments while analysing the salt and pepper dispensers)

P.S 2- i think i'm becoming senile- i forgot to mention the yummy garlic bread, T spoke to the mother after the lunch and not before and T clicked the historic snap.

Yet another List

a random list of things/ people/events i'll miss in no particular order:

1. watchman (ID card!)
2. chai
3. sujata ma'am's class
4. GRAM
5. Penguins
6. luv-shmuv
7. samosa
8. sociological theory
9. library
10. twelve angry men
11. deepwoods
12. hunchback of notredam
13. nimbu pani ice lolly
14. canteen tree
15. and then there were none
16. dragon
17. dept
18. social psychology+general psychology
19. 29C
20. BaBaOH
21. paratha kurma
22. magjof
23. common room (even the filth)
24. Sr. Hilda+Leela akka+team
25. F-2-1
26. social thought
27. black chart paper
28. things-to-do lists
29. 0-1
30. shirdi
31. xeroxs
32. aquilae
33. 0-1 stage lights
34. cassatta
35. the green house
36. second year classroom
37. the green patch behind B block
38. OATs
39. inter years
40. veg noodles

41. switch-blade knife

42. red+green+yellow cellophane sheets 

43. ten little indian dolls

Sarees+Ice-Creams+Tree+Lamps

The much awaited valedictory finally happened last evening! A swarm of women in colourful (some blinding) sarees were slurping down the free cornetto provided. To my dismay, it was chocolate. :( After the binge, was the glorious tree planting ceremony. G and I walked excitedly towards the CC Block only to find a dreadful pit dug up in the middle of the lawn+ the puniest leafless sapling possible. We figured that the planting must have been over and proceeded back to the swarm to find recognizable people to click happy pictures with. Alas, CR came and shooed us away! We go back to the lawn to find, not one but four pits dug! One for arts, one for science, one for commerce and one for the PGs. G and I parted ways in despair. It was amusing to see so many new faces on the day of the Valedictory! Anyway, we had work to do- i.e. PLANT the sapling with our LOVE and CARE and mud and water. Task completed. G is lost! This was when I embarrassed all by screaming Moooooo and Gaya! (Like a 70s hero calling out to his heroine!)

After the nostalgic reunion- we returned to the bright blue chairs. The management had to annoy us- “sit behind your dept heads, please.” “Nahin!!!!!” (in chorus)

Three years in this college have made me bold in many ways to take devious steps with no regret whatsoever. “Dept? What dept?” ha ha ha my wish comes true. I finally sat with the people I have shared my entire college life with. J

A random teacher came and passed the valedictory programme schedule and tiny brass lamps with a small candle on it. (the candle colours- neon green, mirinda orange and a green manga green)

Point to be noted- on lifting the candle we found that it was a wax covered candle. What was it covering?- well, a ball of mud. I wonder if it was from the pits that were dug up.

Hymns are sung and Sr. H delivers the longest ever prayer. It wasn’t unbearable but unbelievably long. P was at her best. Highlight of the talks- Sneha, the only one who spoke honestly. During the rest of the speeches, the GRAM group craved for water and juice and pointed at planes while nuts like me waved at them.

The oath was a little strange. While A refused to speak a line from it, I blindly repeated every word of it. Hmmm, I think I’m becoming more neurotic!

The lighting of the lamps was the best part of the evening. All the heads of the depts had to light the lamps of their students. While the sun set, leaving behind a warm darkness, we held our lamps high and sang the college song and the national anthem. Both have never sounded more beautiful. We then left to the grotto to leave our lamps near the statue of Mother Mary.

The valedictory was over.

But did we stop with that? No! Now, was family photo clicking time. While we randomly asked people to click photos of tens and twenties of us, we still couldn’t believe that we’d spent three years with each other.

Someone had told me that the valedictory was always sentimental and that it would make me weep. Fortunately or unfortunately, I didn’t shed a tear. The evening left me with a feeling of contentment as I knew I was going to go forward in life with some great friends and experiences.

To my Penguins!

"Why do you need a play?", they said.
"Its such a waste of time.", they said.
"Either the play or the fund-raiser.", they said.
We smiled and proceeded.

"Why do you need a director?", they said.
"Hall? Why?", they said.
"Do it on campus.", they said.
We smiled and proceeded.

"No whores! No prostitutes!", they said.
"You're a bunch of stubborn donkeys.", they said.
"You and your blessed play.", they said.
We smiled and proceeded.

"We can't have it in the open.", they said.
"People will jump over the wall and create nuisance.", they said.
"Mosquitoes will bite.", they said.
We smiled and proceeded.

"It can't happen over four days!", they said.
"The lights are stuck.", they said.
"You have to arrange the room yourselves.", they said.
We smiled and proceeded.

"Congratulations!", they said.
"We extended our full support.", they said.
"We knew you'd do it well.", they said.
We smiled. For now, we didn't have to proceed.

BaBaOH prevailed.
:)